November 2015

Why you shouldn’t Rate your Date Completely on Sparks or Chemistry

We’ve all been on those dates where we get on with someone and like them, but get disheartened because we just don’t feel the Sparks or Chemistry.

Hollywood has done a great job of conveying the idea that romance and love derives from chemistry alone. So when we don’t feel that, we disregard the person in pursuit of someone else – and in pursuit of those fireworks.

This post isn’t designed to burst your bubble – in fact, hopefully the opposite!

Yes, it’s true; sparks can fly as soon as your eyes meet with someone. Or on that first date. It does happen and those dates can evolve into something long-term and even marriage. But there are just as many, if not more, beautiful love stories where that ‘chemistry’ that we talk so much about has built between two people over time. It heightens as two people connect. Think of those stories you hear where something started as friendship and then turned into something more. Or when you meet someone who you initially feel zero attraction to, yet over time as you get to know them, the attraction and chemistry gradually becomes more and more prominent and suddenly catches you off-guard. As it was completely unexpected.

Some of the men I’ve fallen for the most haven’t been the ones who I felt crazy chemistry towards from the get-go. In fact, in those particular experiences the relationship ended up being more dramatic rather than romantic because lustful chemistry doesn’t lend itself to a harmonious, long-term relationship. It can be based on highs and lows. Sure that can be a lot of fun, but now where I’m in a position where I want something more sustainable and deeper in a partner, immediate chemistry isn’t top of my agenda.

Actually, the chemistry that builds over time is so much better than initial chemistry. It’s more connected, emotional, intimate and takes the relationship to a whole new level.

I’m certainly not saying keep dating someone who you feel absolutely nothing towards. But what I do know is that so many of us are quick to write off someone immediately because of lack of chemistry. I know I have and learnt from that way of approaching dating. So my rule of thumb now, is if you like them, get on with them and have even a tiny bit of curiosity about them, go on that second date. And a third date. Get to know them a bit by going on dates in different environments and scenarios and see if that chemistry does build.

It’s not about settling for less than what the movies portray – true love is out there – it really is. But often, it’s actually better to play the long-game and know that just because the fireworks aren’t flying from date one, that doesn’t mean they won’t be in time!

Laura Yates is one of our team and a highly regarded expert Dating Coach and writer.  Visit Laura’s website for more information and advice.