40, Single and wanting a child

40, Single and Wanting a Child

40, Single and Wanting a Child

Suddenly one day you’re 40, single and wanting a child.  Maybe you’ve put off having a child because you concentrated on your career or maybe you just never found the right partner.  Now you feel time is running out and this scares you.

I appreciate how you feel because I was in your shoes.  I found myself at 40, single and wanting a child.  Then I met and fell in love with a man who had two grown up children.  He’d also had a vasectomy.  I was 40 and he was 48.  A reversal was not something he would even consider as he did not want any more children.  So my choices were to:

  1. remain in the relationship with the wonderful man I had met who could give me everything apart from a child, or
  2. I could leave him and try to find someone just like him, minus the vasectomy.

I believed my chances with number 2 were pretty slim to none because it had taken all my dating life to find him.  So what was I to do?

I decided to stay with him.  I look back now after almost eight years together and I don’t regret my decision one bit.  Time for me to have a child had definitely run out and I closed that door and moved on.  I would rather have him by my side every day and night than be alone.

Some of my clients in their late 30s and early 40s would still like to start a family.  I ask what the most important thing is for them, is it finding someone to share their life with or having a child?  Most will say finding someone to share their life with as they understand it may not be possible to have both.

There is Living Proof that Women Over 40 can have a Child

It’s a medical fact that your chances of conceiving at 40 is 20 per cent falling to less than five per cent by mid 40s – http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1013991/getting-pregnant-in-your-40s.  This is something that men in their 40s are acutely aware of and will specifically say they only want to meet ladies in their 30s if they are planning to raise a family one day.  However, a woman over 40 is still capable of falling pregnant.  Halle Berry fell pregnant at 47 with her second child and Cherie Blair at 45 with her fourth.

Is it too soon to talk about wanting a baby on the first few dates?

It is difficult when you are technically running out of time and this can cause some people to bring up wanting a child early on when dating, sometimes even on the first date.  Some experts would tell you to lay your cards on the table about marriage and babies on a first date and if he runs off then he wasn’t the right one for you.

But is this really good advice to take heed of when you’re at such an early stage in dating?

It depends on whether you come over as it’s a real need or perhaps something you hope for one day.

You must remember that you are on a date which is a setting for you to get a better sense of one another, talk about your favourite places, what you like to do for fun and see if there is any potential attraction between you.  The first few dates are really about getting to know one another a lot better.  It’s okay to say children are something you hope for one day but a real neediness is likely to make him sense your desperation which is very likely to make him run.

Your burning desire to have a child is something he should hear about later when your relationship is developed and strong.  You may argue that time for you is running out and you don’t want to waste your time.  You may feel that you’re too late in life not to discuss this but you really are too early bringing it up during the first few dates.  Alas, none of your situation is his fault.

People can change their minds for love

He might not even have thought about having children.  Some men say yes straight away when I ask them if they would like to have a family and others are ambivalent and say it’s about meeting the right partner first.  And just because a man says yes or no to having a family it doesn’t mean that he can’t change his mind either way later on.  For example, I know one man who has two grown up daughters.  He did not plan on having any more children and so had a vasectomy.  He met a girl in her late 30s when he turned 50 and they fell in love.  She wanted a child and he had a reversal of the vasectomy for her two years later.  This proves men can and do change their minds about having children.

Conclusion

Your date cannot tell the future and after a couple of dates he’s unlikely to have fallen in love with you so much that he sees you as the future mother of his children.  Once a man falls in love anything is possible.  Whilst on a first or second date he may say no to having children, a year later when he has fallen for you he could change his mind and say yes.

If you find yourself at 40, single and wanting a child you really need to ask yourself what’s more important to you, is it finding love or having a child?

Everyone is different but for me it was about finding and keeping the love of my life.


Author: Tara McDonnell, founder and owner of South Downs Introductions.  Tara is a trained certified matchmaker from the Matchmaker Academy.  She is also a proud award winner at the UK Dating Awards 2015.

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Science of Attraction

Science of Attraction

Science of Attraction

I work very closely with and provide ongoing coaching to my clients about the science of attraction.  Right from the initial contact they make with me, to their first date and through to them starting a relationship with someone I introduce them to, I am right there all the way banging a particular drum – the science of attraction.

People come to matchmaking for various reasons. Perhaps because they are disillusioned with online dating.  Or perhaps they run a company and don’t want their employees to see them using an online dating site.  Whatever the reason that they come to this service, the one thing they all have in common is that they want someone compatible to share their lives with.

Online Dating v Matchmaking

Online dating sites use algorithms which match people because they like the same genre of music, read the same books and have the same interests. In other words a clone.  Whereas matchmaking works using the science of attraction and you will be pleased to know it’s not rocket science.  Put simply, it’s about meeting the person your matchmaker recommends as they will have the qualities and values you said you are seeking in a partner.

Your match will also possess the personality traits that are likely to mesh with yours so the rest is down to the two of you meeting to see how your date goes.  There will be some cross over on interests but don’t expect them to all be exactly the same as yours.  My partner likes rock music, motorbikes and football, not my bag.  However, we do have sailing in common and have personality traits that mesh which makes for our successful, long-term relationship.

Here’s the Science Bit

So what is the science of attraction?  There is increasing evidence that during face to face meetings we subconsciously pick up clues about the suitability of our date as a future partner.  The desire to mate arises from a combination of sensory stimuli such as the visual, a person’s smell, how they move and speak.  These are all things that cannot be recreated from viewing a profile on a computer screen.  In fact it’s impossible to do so.  Dr Frederick Toates agrees and has written a book on the subject which is worth reading ‘How Sexual Desire Works‘.

There are more single people now in the UK than ever before.  Single person households are increasing at a rate of 166k a year.  Read about the trend of the Rise of Single Person House-Holds.

The Government Office for Science has predicted that single person households will be the biggest sector by 2031 at a whopping 10.9 million.

The Association of Psychological Science – Dr Eli Finkel, who spearheaded much research, found that people are over reliant on browsing profiles which feature their likes and dislikes, but this is not necessarily useful or successful in identifying a partner.  Spending hours browsing hundreds of profiles does not bring you any closer to knowing if there is a romantic spark.   Daters become picky, judgemental and start to compare people as if they are buying a pair of shoes.  People aren’t shoes!

Dr Finkel says nothing is ever going to be a substitute for meeting a real person over a coffee. Read about the Pitfalls of Online Dating.  When you are on your date ask yourself do you like the person and do they make you laugh?  If you answer yes then you should have a second date in a different setting.

Conclusion

Remember you are not being asked to marry this person. You are just meeting them for a relaxed drink in a pleasant setting.  You will have things in common and topics of conversation to discuss as your matchmaker will have already done her work.  The rest is down to you.  Believe me you have nothing to lose and maybe a life partner to gain, you never know what you don’t know.


Author: Tara McDonnell, founder and owner of South Downs Introductions.  Tara is a trained certified matchmaker from the Matchmaker Academy.  She is also a proud award winner at the UK Dating Awards 2015.

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