Is this your dating list? “I want someone who has exactly the same education as I have and they must also come from the same background as me as well have all the following:
tall (cos I like my heels);
have a great body;
must like dogs;
and the list goes on…Sound familiar?
Perfection does not exist
People sometimes create an elaborate dating list of ‘must haves’ when they are looking for a partner and unless everything on it is meticulously checked then there is little hope of finding lasting love, right?
Wrong! If you continue to wait for the perfect partner then you may well end up like the person on the bench in the above photograph. Love is hard to find and the internet hasn’t helped as it makes people far more picky focusing on photographs rather than the personality traits and qualities a person may have.
The reality is perfection does not exist. Test this theory on your friends and family members that are in happy relationships. Ask them if their partner ticked all their ‘must haves’. I bet they say no and yet they still fell in love despite their partner’s imperfections. They may even tell you they never had a list in the first place. I certainly didn’t have a list and I met the love of my life without one. I did kiss a lot of frogs along the way though.
Values and Qualities
Some people think that they must have everything in common to be compatible and so in essence they are seeking a clone of themselves. This is not so. What makes compatibility is having similar values and finding a partner who has some great qualities that compliment yours.
My partner has the following qualities which are really important in any partner. He is kind, considerate, he makes me laugh, wants to spend time with me and looks forward to it. He makes an effort to get along with my friends and family. We can be in the same room together and just be, the silence is comfortable. He is there for me through the good and bad times, he lends an ear when my day was pretty awful and makes a lovely cup of tea. He is my best friend and my soulmate.
We have similar values too. We value a good work/life balance, care about our health and fitness, have similar views on finance and respect one another’s opinions.
I didn’t particularly like his dress sense when I met him but that is not his heart. Things like shoes and clothing can be changed as these are merely arbitrary. It’s what’s in a person’s head and heart that truly matters.
Our Matchmaking Service
If you have a rigid dating list of ‘must haves’ and expect to meet someone who checks everything on it then our service is not for you. We work with lovely people who have standards and are open to meeting who we recommend.
We don’t believe in forcing people to meet for a date but we will actively encourage you to do so because you never know until you meet someone how you’re going to get along. We select your date based on your values and the qualities you tell us you are seeking in a partner. You won’t have everything in common but there will be some cross over. Remember we cannot create someone just for you because you have paid for a service. We work with real people who we really like, who all have one thing in common – they are searching for someone to share their lives with. Matchmaking is about meeting who we recommend after all our success rate comes from people meeting and not refusing to meet.
After your first date we encourage you to have a second date unless you absolutely did not get along with that person. Sometimes people find it hard to be themselves and relax on a first date. Nerves can get the better of them so you should always be prepared to give someone another chance in a different setting. I didn’t fall for my partner straight away on our first date, it took a number of dates before we felt comfortable with one another.
Chemistry on a first date is rare
Sometimes people expect there to be fireworks on a first date and if there aren’t any then they wrongly assume there is no attraction or compatibility longer term. There is no formula for chemistry so no matchmaker can create it. It develops only from meeting but you should never expect it to always pop up on a first date. Sometimes it’s a slow burn and it certainly was when I met my partner.
In fact I know one matchmaker who married in January this year. It took her four dates with her now husband before she felt any real connection with him. Just imagine if she had not bothered to go on a few more dates with him, she would never have married him.
We are not suggesting you go on endless, meaningless dates just for the sake of it but we certainly recommend a second date unless you cannot bear to do so. You really have nothing to lose and maybe a wonderful partner like mine to gain.
Author: Tara McDonnell, founder and owner of South Downs Introductions. Tara is a trained certified matchmaker from the Matchmaker Academy. She is also a proud award winner at the UK Dating Awards 2015.