When should you be intimate and are we exclusive?

When should you be intimate and are we exclusive?

The questions that come up again and again when you start dating are when should you get intimate and are we exclusive?


So when should we be intimate?  Tina B Tessina psychotherapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating says that you can ruin your chances of a relationship developing if you rush into sex.  Interestingly a new survey revealed that nearly a third of women wait three weeks, or until the fifth date before having sex with a new partner, http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/sex-new-man-how-long-5526230

Some movies depict that one night stands can result in fairytale romances where happy ever after relationships ensue.   There is nothing worse than regretting your night of passion the next morning and wondering where you now stand.  Will he call you again and does he still want to see you afterwards?

Some reasons to wait and not rush into sex are outlined below:  

Having sex too soon can cloud your judgement and you may find it difficult to make an intelligent choice of partner, as Tina Tessina writes.  Getting carried away by the moment is easy but getting to know someone for their values and qualities takes a lot more time and effort.  You could be trading a short term night of passion for the long term commitment you ultimately desire.

It’s worth waiting a while because sexual chemistry and attraction should last.  If they don’t then it was a pretty shallow attempt at a relationship and never would have gone the distance, so in any case you’re better off without it.    Next!

Spending a bit of time getting to know someone helps to build strong relationship foundations.  Take time to get to know one another, meet your new partner’s friends and ask about their family.  What about their job and previous relationships.  Develop a friendship that will deepen.  All of this takes time and it does not develop in a couple of hours over a large Pinot in a wine bar on your first date.

Let’s face it, the only thing you really know after a first date is whether both of you want to see one another again. If you both do then it looks promising, but you certainly don’t know if you will end up in a serious relationship after a first date.

If you decide to have sex early on, that’s no bad thing providing you both are on the same page and not making more of the situation than it is.  Most importantly, you should never feel pressured to have sex early on and if you ever do then question if this person is the right one for you.  The answer to which is probably not.


It’s important to raise this at the right time.  Perhaps he is still dating and just keeping his options open.  Just because you’re not seeing anyone else doesn’t mean he is.  At some point you need to know because you don’t want to have your time wasted or get hurt dating a guy for a couple months where you only see him once a week because he is seeing other people.

Being exclusive takes a bit of time to develop and this can be achieved over weeks or a couple of months.  Ask yourself how often do you see one another and is it fairly regular?   Does he make an effort to call or text you in between dates?  Have you met some of his friends or family?  If the answer to all of the above is positive then you may find that your relationship is naturally defined, but there is still the question of exclusivity.

You should feel that you can communicate by now about how you feel because if you don’t then they are not the one.  So ask the question.  You’re not asking to get married; you just want to know if you are the only one he is sleeping with and that’s a fair question!  Once you have the answer you will no longer be left wondering and at least you can make an informed decision if you are told you’re not.  On the other hand he may say exactly what you want to hear.