Dating Advice

3 January 2016

Dating Mistakes

South Downs Introductions Dating Advice bespoke dating, dating Advice, Dating Mistakes, matchmaking, offline dating, online dating

Dating Mistakes

In this article I discuss some of the common dating mistakes people make.

It’s that time of the year again when dating websites’ traffic soars as singles re-evaluate their situation and make a conscious decision to change it by embarking on a proactive search for romance. The 4 January is now known as the ‘Black Friday’ of the dating world as millions log on or sign up with dating providers in their quest to find love.

Whether you decide to use an online dating provider or a more personalised, professional and bespoke dating provider like us, one thing you really need to consider and be aware of are the pitfalls whereby you set far too stringent limiting criteria which automatically reduces your pool of eligible, potentially compatible partners. Below I list some of the common dating mistakes that people make and believe me I made them too when I was single.

The List

Sometimes clients I meet with want to provide me with a list of must haves. Some of the criteria can be very specific such as an exact height, salary, occupation and even hair colour. So I tell them that I work with real people who are all intelligent, educated and interesting, furthermore I love working with them and that’s why they are members. I cannot create a person and setting such specific limits on what you are looking for will not help you find who you are looking for. In fact it will do the exact opposite because you will discard potentially eligible matches by refusing to meet them. No matter how much you think you can determine whether someone is right for you by looking at a profile, you absolutely cannot. In fact it’s well researched and proven by academics, Professors Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick that you can only determine compatibility by meeting ‘face to face’.

Here’s a little test that you can try out to prove the theory on specific criteria. Ask your friends or family members who are in happy relationships if their partner ticked all their must haves. I bet you they say no and I also bet they say they fell in love with them despite their imperfections. You might even find that they never set any criteria at all. Once you meet and attraction takes over there is no stopping it.

It’s important to have core values and qualities and to have a dealbreaker (such as you won’t date a smoker) but not a stringent list. I am not suggesting that you settle for less or drop your standards but I am suggesting that you keep an open mind and consider someone you might never have thought of before because they just might be the love of your life.

To Google or not to Google

The internet is a fascinating tool, you can tell so much from a name, a telephone number or an email address. You can access LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, the list is endless. Equally the internet is quite a scary place especially when your home address can be found with just the click of a mouse. If you give out your telephone number the chances are the person you gave it to will check out your Whatsapp photo and it might not be one you’re proud of. People are visual creatures and they will discount someone on a badly taken image.

If you give someone your email address which happens to contain your full name then the chances are they are surfing through social media and viewing your LinkedIn and Facebook profiles. Hmmm, not good if they decide not to meet you because of a post that your friend put up and tagged you when you were drunk on a night out looking worse for wear.

Think about it like this, if you were applying for your dream job and the potential employer viewed your social media profile, as they so often do, then you should not have posts on there that you would not want that potential employer to see. Same thing applies for meeting a potential new partner, you want to be seen in your best possible light. This is not putting up a false image, it’s presenting you in the best possible way. After all you are seeking your dream guy or girl.

Don’t forget people on the internet are not always who they say they are and would you want a complete stranger to have your home address? With our service we have already met all our members and anyone we introduce you to, so we know their name, address, date of birth, occupation, work address and what they like and dislike. So we know them fairly well. We never give out home addresses or last names as only our members choose to do that when they meet for a date.

So if you take nothing more away from this perhaps you may think about how your sensitive and private information can be easily accessed by strangers, people you have never even met. So be careful about what you release and when.

Have fun dating and hope this helps to overcome some of the common dating mistakes.

29 December 2015

He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not…

South Downs Introductions Dating Advice

He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not…

How to Decode and Respond to His Text Messages

Texting a man can sometimes feel like a constant game of “he loves me, he loves me not,” just without a daisy to peel petals off of. Unless you really happen to enjoy destroying daisies, there’s no reason to be playing that childhood game as an adult.

Unlike a lot of us women, most men don’t spend their time analyzing text messages. They see no reason to because, for them, a text is often just 140 characters. Yappers – nothing more than that.

So, what’s the point? Why don’t we see it that way? How can we avoid spending countless hours reading and re-reading his text messages? You can save yourself a lot of time by accepting that most men don’t write text messages in foreign code.

Here are some common examples to get you started.

When he sends, “What are your plans for…?”

I know what you’re thinking. What are his intentions here? Does he want to find out if I’m free to do something? Is he hoping I’ll be busy so that he can make other plans? You don’t want to tell him about your upcoming girl’s night because then he might think you’re not interested in him. However, you also don’t want to risk sounding like a loser by being overly available and saying you have nothing planned.

The best thing to do is just be honest. If he wants to ask you out, he’ll ask no matter what your response is. If you happen to busy on a particular day, he’ll just suggest a different time. It’s also possible that he just thought upcoming weekend plans would be a safe conversation starter. The safest thing you can do is simply treat it as such.

When he stops texting:

Oh, no! You must have said something stupid, and now he’s no longer interested in you, right? Or, maybe he (and his phone) were both eaten alive by the Big Bad Wolf? Hold your horse. Not so fast.

Maybe he just isn’t interested in having a small talk conversation over text. Not just with you, but with anyone. Not everyone enjoys texting. Period. Many men prefer to only text when they have a legitimate reason to, such as setting up or confirming plans to spend time with you in person. Bring up the subject when you are together – in person.

When he sends emoji’s and emoticons:

Most men don’t use emoji’s or emoticons on a regular basis. It’s rare to find a man that does. If he uses them with you, it means he’s going out of his way to come across as more flirty and knows women think they’re cool. Don’t worry about which emoji or emoticon he used. The fact that he used one at all is enough.

When he sends the good morning/good night text:

He’s going out of his way to do this because he’s thinking about how much he likes you, and he wants you to know that. He wants you to know that he appreciates you. Men don’t go out of their way to send messages like this to people they don’t care about, plain and simple. The same can be said about almost any text that isn’t asking you for a favor.

What to do now:

Now that you know the appropriate interpretations of and responses to some of his common text messages, put your phone down. If you really feel like playing the “he loves me, he loves me not” game, you can buy yourself a bouquet of daisies from the nearest grocery store.

Stop thinking about the hidden meaning behind his text messages. It’s not worth your time. There probably isn’t one. Just enjoy them at face value. If his texting habits are upsetting you, openly communicate with him in person.

Claudia Cox Bio:

Claudia is the creator of Text Weapon, and the author of French Seduction Made Easy. She is passionate about modern communication and loves helping people improve their relationships through flirty texting. To read more by Claudia, visit Text Weapon . Don’t forget to signup for the FREE Texting Club trial with over 300 messages. You can also hit her up on Twitter

10 October 2015

How to write a winning dating profile

South Downs Introductions Dating Advice dating profile, online dating

How to write a winning dating profile

7 Ways to get more dates

When it comes to online dating, a good dating profile is crucial to your success in finding the partner you want. A badly-written profile may make your ideal match pass you by without a second glance. And it may well attract all the wrong people, leaving you frustrated and disappointed by the low quality of the people you attract. This is a very common experience in online dating, but the good news is the answer is in your hands. You can fix it with these simple tips for creating a compelling profile that attracts the right people.

It sounds obvious when you say it, but creating your online profile is a marketing job. Few people approach it that way though, probably because they are uncomfortable with the idea of selling themselves.

Get over it! If you want to find the partner of your dreams, which is possibly one of the most important things you can do in your life, you’re going to to have to put a little effort into it. And it’s really not that hard. Here’s how you do it…

1 – Get the basics right

Make sure you don’t have basic spelling or grammatical errors in your profile. Everybody has spellcheck these days, so there’s no excuse, and if you’re not sure if you mean ‘their’, ‘they’re’ or ‘there’, get a friend to check. Mistakes like this make you look careless at best…

Make sure you fill in all the sections of your profile, giving as much information as possible about yourself, and the partner you are looking for. Leaving these sections empty, or leaving them to do later, is a wasted opportunity. Hit the ground running with a full profile from the beginning.

Always have a photo. It almost always starts with liking the look of each other. No photo means nothing to go on. And people who don’t have photos, often don’t have a photo for a reason. Like they shouldn’t be on there in the first place… like they’re married. It’s a red flag that will put many people off straight away.

Show your eyes in your photo. It’s ok to have a couple with sunnies on as well, if they are good photos, but you must have at least one that shows your eyes, and ideally one that shows your full body as well.

Of course choose photos that show you favourably, but don’t use anything that is deceptive, or not how you really look. Airbrushed studio photos can look great in a profile, but inevitably lead to raised expectations, and possibly disappointment when you meet in the flesh.

2 – Only have yourself in your photos

Do not have your dog in your photos. Nobody cares what your dog looks like (unless they are looking for a pet). It may be the most important thing in your life, part of you, and you need the world to see this. In which case… you’re scaring me! Sure it’s great that you’ve got a nice dog, but it’s not important at this stage. Concentrate on you.

Guys, the same goes for your cars and motorbikes. So you’ve got a nice car, so what? If they want a car, they will go to a garage, not a dating site. And you’ve heard the expression ‘big car small…’?

It’s also not a good idea to have your kids in your photos. It’s great that you’ve got them, but this is about you, not them. Of course they are important to you, and any future partner must take them into account, but worry about that later. At this point, we’re selling you, not looking for people to adopt them.

Ladies, don’t photograph yourself standing next to your hot friend (or daughter) — it won’t help you. Nor will standing next to your unattractive friend. It might make you look gorgeous by comparison, but all your partners will be thinking is ‘that’s who we’ll be hanging out with…’.

And guys, for goodness sake keep your shirts on! Have you any idea how many women complain about photos of men with their shirts off, leaning on their car/boat/motorbike? It doesn’t look good, however proud you are of your 6-pack (or however good you are at sucking your belly in). Just don’t do it, it’s ridiculous.

3 – Avoid clichés

They are boring, and the same as everybody else. Have you any idea how many people say the same things? For example:

“I’m a glass half full kind of person”

“As happy in wellies and jeans as dressed up for a night out”

“Equally at home camping or in a 5 star hotel”

“Love snuggling in front of a roaring fire with a glass of wine and a DVD”

“My friends say I am…”

“I don’t look or act my age”

Nearly 50% of profiles have one or more of these tedious clichés in. Which are things that probably apply to most people anyway.

What you’re trying to do in your profile is to stand out and be noticed. Not blend into the background, as dull and unimaginative as everybody else.

4 – ALWAYS be truthful

Never lie on your profile. Ever. Not even a little bit.

If you are seriously looking for a partner for life, ‘the one’, the last thing you want to do is to start the relationship off with a lie. Just imagine, if you find them, everything is going swimmingly, and then a few weeks down the line you have to say “I’m sorry, I wasn’t quite telling you the truth about…”. Game over, bye. And rightly so.

Many (particularly women), are tempted to knock a couple of years off their age. Their justification is that they don’t look/feel/act as old as they are, and they don’t want to be pigeonholed into an older age group when they feel younger. Well that’s true for all of us. We’re all in the same boat, so play by the rules, and be honest.

Men apparently often add a couple of inches on (their height). This is spectacularly short-sighted, as it’s obvious as soon as you stand up, and have to look up to gaze into your date’s eyes. If you do this, you lose marks for stupidity, as well as for lying.

5 – Be authentic

The only thing you can do on your profile is to be yourself. Everybody else is taken.

Let your personality shine through on your profile. And don’t try to be something you’re not.

It is a little daunting to write about yourself at first, but you don’t have to be an award-winning copywriter. Just be natural.

Talk a little bit about yourself — what you do, what you enjoy, things you are excited or passionate about, how you like to spend your time, what you’re looking for, what makes you happy, places you have been, hobbies, interests, sports, your ideal partner, etc. etc.

It’s not that hard, just write a few sentences (following those suggestions as a prompt, if you like). You don’t need to write a book about yourself, just to give a flavour of who you are. The most important thing is to be yourself, and to use your own words. They don’t have to be perfect, or clever, they just have to be you. And nobody is better than you at doing that.

When you’ve written your piece (and it really only needs to be a few sentences if that’s all you have to say), show it to your friends. Male and female. See what they have to say. They might give you some new ideas, or give you some feedback on how it comes across. There might be things that you’ve missed out, that you’d like to add. Or not, as the case may be. It’s YOUR profile, it’s up to you.

The most important question to ask your friends is “is this me?”. That’s your goal: simply to get across the unique, wonderful person that is you.

6 – Say what you DO want, not what you DON’T

It’s always better to focus on positives rather than negatives. It can be very off-putting if your profile has a long list of things you don’t want.

“I don’t want anybody who is short, overweight, too old, lazy, unfit, or illiterate”

Doesn’t sound as good as:

“I’m looking for somebody who is tall, keeps themselves in shape, and is well read and under 40”

The message is the same, but negatives are off-putting, whereas positives are welcoming.

A laundry-list of things you don’t want looks like a bit of a rant, and makes you look demanding and fussy. Which you may well be, and there’s nothing wrong with that, if that’s how you want to be, but at this stage we’re only concerned with making you look attractive. So we’ll gloss over that for now.

7 – Don’t air your baggage in your profile

We all have past experiences that shape our views. Whether or not you let them become ‘baggage’ is up to you.

If you aren’t ready for a new relationship (for example, if you’re not over your ex), then don’t start dating. Wait until you’re ready. This is crucial. If you ignore this, you are opening up yourself and others to a world of hurt, frustration, and wasted time. Don’t do it, just wait.

If you really are ready for a new relationship, then be careful your profile doesn’t give a coded message about your past or present.

For example:

“I want somebody honest” (decode: I’ve been lied to in the past, I have trust issues.)

“Looking for somebody faithful” (decode: I’ve been cheated on before, I’m not letting you out of my sight.)

“Need somebody hard working with a good job” (decode: I am skint, I’ll spend all your money.)

“I don’t want anybody argumentative” (decode: I’ve argued a lot in the past. I’m quite good at it now.)

Just watch for hidden messages in your profile. If in doubt, say less. And don’t forget to get your friends to look at your profile before you post it.

So that’s it. Follow these simple tips and you are well on the way to creating a compelling profile that will hopefully attract the right people to contact you. After that, it’s up to you! Good luck, keep an open mind, and stay positive. They are out there somewhere.

About the author

Tim Felmingham is an Emsworth based writer and blogger, writing about Internet Marketing for Small Businesses. In his spare time he sails boats, plays drums, attempts yoga, and cooks occasionally edible Chinese food.

Follow him on Twitter: @timfel

29 September 2015

When should you be intimate and are we exclusive?

South Downs Introductions Dating Advice compatibility, dating, exclusivity, intimacy

When should you be intimate and are we exclusive?

The questions that come up again and again when you start dating are when should you get intimate and are we exclusive?

WHEN SHOULD WE BE INTIMATE?

So when should we be intimate? Tina B Tessina psychotherapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating says that you can ruin your chances of a relationship developing if you rush into sex. Interestingly a new survey revealed that nearly a third of women wait three weeks, or until the fifth date before having sex with a new partner, http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/sex-new-man-how-long-5526230

Some movies depict that one night stands can result in fairytale romances where happy ever after relationships ensue. There is nothing worse than regretting your night of passion the next morning and wondering where you now stand. Will he call you again and does he still want to see you afterwards?

Some reasons to wait and not rush into sex are outlined below:

Having sex too soon can cloud your judgement and you may find it difficult to make an intelligent choice of partner, as Tina Tessina writes. Getting carried away by the moment is easy but getting to know someone for their values and qualities takes a lot more time and effort. You could be trading a short term night of passion for the long term commitment you ultimately desire.

It’s worth waiting a while because sexual chemistry and attraction should last. If they don’t then it was a pretty shallow attempt at a relationship and never would have gone the distance, so in any case you’re better off without it. Next!

Spending a bit of time getting to know someone helps to build strong relationship foundations. Take time to get to know one another, meet your new partner’s friends and ask about their family. What about their job and previous relationships. Develop a friendship that will deepen. All of this takes time and it does not develop in a couple of hours over a large Pinot in a wine bar on your first date.

Let’s face it, the only thing you really know after a first date is whether both of you want to see one another again. If you both do then it looks promising, but you certainly don’t know if you will end up in a serious relationship after a first date.

If you decide to have sex early on, that’s no bad thing providing you both are on the same page and not making more of the situation than it is. Most importantly, you should never feel pressured to have sex early on and if you ever do then question if this person is the right one for you. The answer to which is probably not.

ARE WE EXCLUSIVE?

It’s important to raise this at the right time. Perhaps he is still dating and just keeping his options open. Just because you’re not seeing anyone else doesn’t mean he is. At some point you need to know because you don’t want to have your time wasted or get hurt dating a guy for a couple months where you only see him once a week because he is seeing other people.

Being exclusive takes a bit of time to develop and this can be achieved over weeks or a couple of months. Ask yourself how often do you see one another and is it fairly regular? Does he make an effort to call or text you in between dates? Have you met some of his friends or family? If the answer to all of the above is positive then you may find that your relationship is naturally defined, but there is still the question of exclusivity.

You should feel that you can communicate by now about how you feel because if you don’t then they are not the one. So ask the question. You’re not asking to get married; you just want to know if you are the only one he is sleeping with and that’s a fair question! Once you have the answer you will no longer be left wondering and at least you can make an informed decision if you are told you’re not. On the other hand he may say exactly what you want to hear.

26 July 2015

Offline Matchmaking Dating Service – how it works…

South Downs Introductions Dating Advice Brighton dating, compatibility, dating agency, dating brighton, dating service, face to face meeting, matchmaking, offline dating, online dating

Offline Matchmaking dating service and how it works

Millions of singles browse an array of online dating sites daily in the hope of finding ‘The one’. They spend hours browsing or window shopping other users’ profiles. Weeks and weeks of some form of communication whether it be text, email or instant messaging may ensue with an eventual face to face meeting that can be disappointing because the parties have overinflated ideas of a romantic encounter. Some online dating providers promote their algorithms as far superior to any offline method of matching. But a book length article published by Professors Eli J Finkel and Paul Eastwick concluded there was no compelling evidence to support algorithms as being far superior to traditional offline and conventional methods of meeting, Online Dating – A Critical Analysis

Furthermore, browsing profiles does not provide a better sense of who would be a potential compatible partner. This answer lies in meeting face to face.

So how does our offline dating service like matchmaking work?

We meet all potential clients and anyone we introduce you to face to face. During this meeting we get a good sense of whether we can assist you. We subscribe and adhere to the Matchmaker Academy’s Code of Ethics which means we will always act within your best interests at all times.

Once you become a member we complete your profile. It is written using your words to reflect your personality and you retain the rights and approval of your profile. Once your profile is created and approved the matchmaking commences. We share summary information with you about your match and request consent to exchange your profiles with one another. You both review one another’s profiles and decide whether or not to meet.

Why should you keep an open mind and just meet?

When you are reviewing the profile you should keep an open mind and remember that we would never introduce you to anyone we did not feel was a good match for you. Just because someone listens to another radio station or prefers a different genre of music has no bearing on their compatibility with you. Quite the contrary, what it means quite simply is they are an individual with their own personality, likes and dislikes. Interestingly, Paul Eastwick has shown that people cannot get a real sense of whether they will be compatible romantically until they actually meet, face to face. The Scientific Flaws of Online Dating. Therefore, dismissing someone based on a paper transaction by merely viewing their profile could be a poor decision on your part.

Moreover, if I had browsed my partner’s profile before we met I would have dismissed him and we did not meet online by the way. His interests comprise of motorbikes, rock music and football. He also listens to Radio 2 and I cannot stand it. He sometimes listens to music I have not even heard of. It was only by meeting in a face to face situation we realised there was something that attracted us to one another and Cupid’s arrow struck. What I am saying is that I would have missed the love of my life if I had dismissed him based on his profile.

The only way you will know whether you are romantically compatible is by simply meeting face to face. Cupid’s arrow may not strike, it may even be off taking a snooze, but you will never know if you don’t try.

7 May 2015

First Impressions Count !

South Downs Introductions Dating Advice, Features

First Impressions Count ! Guest Blogger

Picture of Samantha Wilding who runs personal styling company called Style & Grace — Samantha Wilding – personal styling at Style & Grace

You might have a first date or be attending one of South Downs Introductions singles events. Whatever the occasion, you want to look your best, and first impressions do count.

Research tells us that someone judges you in the first three seconds based on how you look, your body language and what you’re wearing. That’s before you say or do anything. So while what you wear and how you look may seem superficial, in our image-conscious age it is vitally important in defining ‘who you are’.

So what should you think about when preparing for that exciting first date or event ? Here are some of my top tips:

Preparation is everything. Don’t leave it to the last minute to decide what to wear. Nothing is more panic inducing than discovering a broken zipper, missing button or not having the right socks/jumper/bag etc. Gather your full outfit and try it on a week in advance. This gives you time for any last minute dry cleaning, shoe reheeling or to fill in any missing gaps
Dress as you, for you. Don’t try and be someone else or what you think others expect. For example, women: if you never wear heels, don’t wear towering stilettos – you will feel (and look) very uncomfortable. Men: if you feel most comfortable in a suit but are going to a smart casual event and don’t want to look out of place, keep it smart with dark jeans or chinos and a blazer. And everyone: pay attention to fit – ill-fitting clothing makes you look sloppy
Pay attention to the details. It goes without saying, really, but it’s surprising the number of people who ignore the small details. Clean teeth, hair and nails, please. Enough said.

If you’d like some help in looking your best, get in touch. I’d love to hear from you.

Samantha Wilding

Style & Grace

samantha@styleandgrace.eu

www.styleandgrace.eu